Fabian Lua | Making sense of my days

Until six months ago, I stood firmly on the other side of the divide, believing that yoga is not for guys - and therefore definitely not for me. I resisted using the common defence mechanism that yoga is at the same time too light a workout and too serious about stretching.

Even now, practising yoga as a guy continues to be a conversation killer. When someone asks if I went to the gym, my reply that I just finished a yoga class typically invites silence or a polite but contorted smile. And once, a female colleague responded with "I prefer to take part in macho sports."

I'm glad I got past worrying about what others think. Try this as a guy: walk into a class full of ladies wearing tights, receive their curious glances, then proceed to be the most inflexible person in class. In the case of inexperienced instructors, add a situation where the teacher gets surprised by someone as stiff as you.

I'm glad I realised the secret to getting good - dropping the competitive mindset against others but pushing my own limits while being comfortable in my own skin.

I was twelve when I first received the advice that "loving what you do is more important than doing what you love." Back then, I dismissed that suggestion as coming from someone who is old and cynical. I thought I should only pursue what I love, and skip what I don't. Now I see it as important for me to not avoid doing what I don't love yet. 

With yoga, the initial dislike of the discomfort gave way to a maturity in dealing with the discomfort. Everything else in life - work, personal relationships - might benefit from the same. Slowly but surely, I got better. A pose I thought I couldn't deal with has recently become effortless.

It brings to mind the idea that "it is easy for you but it is hard for me." A lot of times we defensively dismiss someone's effortless ability as something we cannot achieve. But maybe it is because we never worked for it.

I'm thankful that I've more or less made yoga a ritual for myself now, practising at least every other day.  It has given me calm and focus in a job that requires me to be composed and to have a clear mind.  More importantly, it keeps me sane and fresh despite being desk bound for too many hours.

Two random sentences from my instructors come to mind:

• “If you can’t do it slow, you can’t do it fast."
  My instructor was trying to tell me that I wouldn't be able to launch into a crow pose or headstand quickly if I cannot manage to do it extremely slowly. It really reminded me that the path to being really good at something involves lots of relentless practice, persistence and being honest to myself.
  
  
• “Loud noises don’t scare you when you’re relaxed."
  Something had collapsed in the room when our eyes were closed in meditation. Yet no one had any significant reaction. It makes me realise that the way to navigate tough options in life and work is to be relaxed about it.  It doesn't mean you don't care or you are not invested in the outcomes.  It simply means you're able to create a better outcome.

I never thought I’d write a love letter to yoga, and the old me might have been surprised at the new me. But I'm glad to say that yoga is saving my life.  And yes - hello from the other side.

I almost swore off wine after I tried it for the first time - in the form of an extremely tannic red. As my friend poured, he explained that wine represents the blood of Christ. That was Easter fourteen years ago.

I then swung momentarily to the other end of sweet-as-juice varieties.

The gateway wine for a reason
You can disdain Moscato as a wine for non-wine drinkers. But you can also regard Moscato as the gateway wine. The low alcohol content blesses it as an easy-drinking pair for meal sessions stretched over long conversations.

Great with spicy, fragrant Singapore food
The highly aromatic Moscato also stands up to Singapore food with strong smells. The sweetness fights off the spiciness - the same reason sugar is a standard condiment found on Thai tables. The slight fizz eases the burn off the tongue too.

Try Moscato with different food
But thankfully I then left that comfort zone of claiming "Brown Brothers Moscato" or "Ice Wine from DFS" as my wine of choice. I was ready for wine 'siu dai' (Singapore term for 'less sweet').

The first easy step is to vary the food you have while drinking Moscato. It becomes clear that Moscato's oily texture doesn't cut rich food - a cheesy ravioli or pork crackling becomes sickeningly fatty and sweet. Instead, match them with a glass of crisp, acidic Champagne or Marlborough Sauvignon Blanc like the readily available Cloudy Bay, Oyster Bay or Monkey Bay.

On the beach, by the pool
Step two is to vary where you drink your wine. At a picnic, rosé wines combine the refreshing qualities of white wine with the fruit flavours of red wine. Chill a light red like Gamay - and pair it with a summer day. 

Try Moscato's cousins
German Rieslings are proudly sweet. But there's a range of sweetness. Start off from the sweeter end (Auslese), then taper off to the drier side (Kabinett). Or perhaps Moscato d'Asti - the Italians instead of the usual Australians.

The best part of trying wines labeled in a language other than English? You make mistakes and end up on wonderful adventures.

Underdogs
I often play a game when I browse wine - I look for wines I don't quite understand. That eventually led me to the beautiful Torbreck's Roussanne Marsanne Viognier blend. Over a seafood dinner, no one quite knew why that wine tasted so good, or what that wine was - but everyone loved it.

That's also why I host a 'Underdogs' wine party, where you can't drink the most popular varietals. Brown Brothers Moscato is yummy, but there also is a whole other world out there.

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"You're a kind person - how can you eat animals?" My friend was completely earnest with his question.

I was stumped. I check all the boxes to be a Vegetarian:

1. Yes I believe that industrial meat production is cruel (and I care about animals)
2. I believe that a vegetarian diet is better for my body (and I care about my body)
3. I believe that a vegetarian diet is better for the environment (and I give a damn about the environment)
4. I can cook vegetarian and I know where to buy vegetarian food I like
5. My mother is a vegetarian and a hippie (and well, I care about my mom)

So at the start of 2014, I declared to myself I was going to be a Vegetarian on Wednesdays. I realised that even though I eat vegetarian food regularly, I didn't quite understand what the experience of being identified as a Vegetarian.

It turns out that once you tell people that you're a Vegetarian, you lose all other characteristics - they see you as if you tattooed VEGETARIAN on your forehead.  The conversations around you, especially near or during meal times, suddenly revolve solely around vegetarianism.  The good is that people are curious, sensitive and increasingly aware. And the discussions increase the awareness further.

The bad is - don't we have anything else to talk about?  Why is it such a big deal?

How does it feel like to be a Vegetarian? I guess I don't have the full answer as I'm still really struggling - it is way more convenient (and socially accepted in Singapore) to eat "everything / anything". I still like eating meat. The best I'm doing so far is to consciously reduce the amount of meat I eat, veto going for meat buffets - or at least opt out.

I guess being a Vegetarian feels like being part of any other group that is not the default, the mainstream or the dominant. As a tall, young, "free thinker", Chinese, straight, omnivorous, white-collar male in Singapore, being a Vegetarian, even for a day, reminds me that life is often so easy for me.

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My years at Singapore Airlines taught me that it is easy to either be a “yes man” or say what you mean to say, but too aggressively.

Managers who lack confidence love colleagues who agree with them - very humanly so.  In big corporations too many choose what is less painful (seek consensus, disagree behind the back) than what is right for the firm (challenge outdated beliefs of senior experienced people, accept alternative views professionally, not take it personally).

At the same time, frustrated upstart employees find it easy to protest, self-righteously.  I’ve walked out of a 50-people meeting because it was clearly so unproductive, sending a message - too bluntly.

I’ve since wondered where the balance is - both when managing and being managed.  Essentially, how to say what you mean to say?

This is even more critical when I moved to web startups, where speed and trust can make or break a product.

Heavily inspired by John Maeda’s “Four Rules" and the book "The Five Dysfunctions of a Team”, I’ve decided it is best for me to be forthright, but respectfully.  Not making someone look bad or feel insulted is important if you want that person to understand and internalise what you just said instead of rejecting it.  And see why you said it.  

Being honest is actually a form of respect, but only when you make it so - being honest is also an art.

Image: x1brett (Flickr)

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I am an introvert - who networks.  I don't look down on networking, but it seems like sometimes introverts sneer at networking - maybe as a defence mechanism.

I love the idea of New Year's resolutions - an annual reflection on how to become better versions of ourselves.  But we are all so ineffective at keeping them that they now have a bad name.

One reason is that New Year's resolutions often involve forming a habit (eat healthier, exercise more, learn a new language) or breaking one (drink less, quit shopping) - which is hard.  Some actually require multiple habits (wake up earlier than the person sleeping next to me in bed / to run before work).

Replacing habits works better.

I was bored waiting in line today, so instead of mindlessly browsing Facebook on my phone, I deleted the mobile app.  But it would have been tough if I tried to just break a habit that kept me entertained in boring situations.  So I consciously started reading a New Yorker article from 1935 and ended up learning about what it feels like to be an opium addict.  And I didn't have the urge to check my Facebook because of that.

Anyway, the cure for those hooked on opium is apparently hypnosis.  So if replacing habits doesn't work for you, you might want to try that.

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Thinking of changing the way you act?  Read How to say what you mean to say.