Fabian Lua | Making sense of my days

The tablecloth was plastic, and so were the chairs. In fact, the chairs are the type of stools you would find at street food stalls - red, blue and generally ugly. The menu board for coffee was sparse.

The cake display was the opposite. Perfectly shaped macarons and artfully composed Mont Blancs were lined next to classic tarts and pots of crème brûlée. And once I picked my cake (Alhambra Torte - 70% chocolate, hazelnut cake soaked with coffee-rum syrup and filled with chocolate ganache), an extensive coffee menu appeared. But again, the look of the menu - home-printed sheets of flimsy paper in an equally shoddy plastic file - didn't seem so promising.

In the end, I spent my afternoon at the siphon-brewed coffee cafe listening to three owners/employees share their views. Here's what I learned:

1. Give coffee time. Coffee is an agricultural product. We tend to forget this because unlike say wine, coffee is regarded as a grab-and-go beverage. The regret is that certain coffee flavours only open up after the coffee cools.
2. Give black coffee a chance. We associate black coffee with being bitter and sour, and so we hide those tastes in milk and sugar. But with the right preparation, black coffee can delicious without sugar and milk.
   
3. Don't impose your own views. The cafe specialises in siphon-brewed coffee, but willingly serves espressos, lattes and cappuccinos when customers order them. The last thing they want is to forcefully exert their views.
4. Put yourself in the shoes of the customers. Even within black coffee, they are mindful that everyone comes in with certain preconceptions. Out of the profile of bitterness, sweetness, aroma and sourness, beginners always shun bitter and sour. The cafe staff start by finding a bean which the customer would be comfortable with, then slowly bring them on a journey of discovery.
5. Defaults are powerful. They understand that default behaviours are powerful. Customers come in used to milky Starbucks. Customers seek out fresh spots, new trends. An unchanging, black coffee cafe like theirs can come across as boring, so they take efforts to explain their philosophy. 
6. Handmade = unique. How can Paris support so many bakeries and patisseries? Because something handmade is unique. Each bakery and patisserie can find their own niche and supporters. 
   
7. Open a cafe to express yourself, not to make money. They realised that many young people take short-cuts like franchising, copying existing concepts or resort to pointless frills (selfie printed on your coffee) to try to make a quick buck. Yet the sustainable way to run a cafe business is to express what makes your special. In that way you cultivate regulars, and regulars are the people who keep your business going after the opening buzz wears off.
8. Don't worry. In their years of running the cafe, they've been through tough times, but they thought of times of slow business as time when they had time to improve themselves. When 2 of 10 customers criticised their cakes, instead of a knee-jerk reaction to suit their taste (and potentially losing the other 8 customers), they thought long and hard whether they should even change their recipe.
   
9. Locals don't appreciate them yet. They say most Penang residents, unlike the more global-minded people from Singapore and Kuala Lumpur, still think of their cafe as an oddball, asking them why they don't bother with their decor.
   
10. An ugly cafe makes good coffee. They replied that if the decor is the selling point, they would be distracted into obsessing with the upkeep of their furniture. Instead, they want themselves, and their customers, to always focus on the coffee and the cakes. No sandwiches, no Eggs Benedict.
    

How successful will you be in your 50s? When you’re younger, you might look to older alumni from your university to glimpse into your future.

On paper, my educational degrees are in Economics and Revenue Management. Yet I was only one or two credits away from also being a Psychology major. Rather than gain the extra qualification with the mandated coursework, I decided to select other courses that would challenge me to grow more.

But if I were to sum up my education from institutions, work and life, I’d describe it as understanding human behaviour. So, in one word - psychology.

Many confuse ‘psychology’ with ‘psychiatry’ (the applied, physician variation) or even worse - perceive psychology as the dark art of controlling others’ mindsets.

Over the years, one of the most important differences I have learned is to hold the mindset of 'influence' rather than the mindset of ‘control.’

With a control mindset, we attempt to dictate the outcome by directing others. When they do not abide with our instructions, both parties become emotional. Our emotions make us lose sight of our goal. In the chaos, the results deviate from our desires.

When we are in an influence mindset, we recognise that whether and how others can be persuaded is the path to the outcome we want. We take logical steps to uncover how they think and calmly navigate towards our goal.

The control mindset is common. It damages our everyday relationships at work and with friends and family.

For example, your Mom is riding shotgun as a passenger in the car your Dad is driving, and she tries to specify how he should drive. Your boss mandates a process contrary to your opinions. Or a mobile app you don’t quite like directs you to rate it five stars.

This ties in with how we typically evaluate situations from our own perspectives, inside-out, rather than outside-in. Even when it involves others making decisions for themselves (the most critical time to think from their angle).

The next time you are annoyed with someone, pause to see if it is because you wish to exert control. Loosen your grip. Walk in their footsteps and you will end up leading the way.

"Fears unfaced become your limits." Robin Sharma

We start fearless as children, but as we mature, we shy away from what we are weak at. Over time, our weaknesses become our limits - out of habit.

Introverts are naturally more averse to networking than extroverts.  But I learned early on as an introvert that avoiding or even looking down on networking is a defence mechanism. We are just denying that networking can be meaningful and powerful - but secretly jealous.

Not that introversion can really be shed. I am still uncomfortable with small talk, and I still feel overextended when I dive into networking events where everyone else seems to already know each other. I still prefer one-on-one conversations and the company of close friends.

Instead, organisations and networking events should help everyone, including introverts, network. Even when an organisation tends to be born from a commonality, like the university you went to or the company you used to work for - its true power is in its diversity.

One big but simple lesson I learned from attending TED Global is - no one came here to be alone. The TED team remarked that there should be no reason you are standing there alone when someone else is pretending to look at a display. No one came here to look at a display either. That simple comment gave me courage to keep initiating conversations.

So I am a firm believer that the event format and organisation structure matter, more so than whether the people within are seasoned networkers or taking their tentative first steps. 

Improving the way networking is done at and between events is the exact topic at Peatix Singapore's next Backstage Pass event on Thursday. It might seem like I am being incredibly biased or sneaky to be writing this, but truth is that the three speakers we have are amazing and truly believe in what they are teaching. And it would be awkward for them to promote themselves, so here goes.

I knew Grace Clapham from TEDx circles four years ago, and everyone who meets her goes away impressed by her passion, sincerity and abilities. In addition to her own projects (like Change Ventur.es), she is always involved in organisations that give back to the community - Creative Mornings, TEDx and more. Like many of the wonderful speakers we have had before, she readily agreed to our invitation for Backstage Pass in spite of her crazy schedule. And she brought in Solonia Teodros, another amazing lady who co-founded community-driven initiatives including The Hawker Sessions and The Feast Worldwide Singapore.

I am very excited that Grace and Solonia will be conducting a hands-on session that teaches you what interactions to "force" to kick things off, and what activities to do to build trust and transfer knowledge.

We found Jonathan Kwan via Audacity 2014, and meeting him just once convinced me that he has lots to share on getting the strategic structure right for organisations so it can grow. One specific example is how it is easy to attract people who are not yet influential but are enthusiastic about your organisation to show up. But they actually want to network with the influential people who might not be as enthusiastic about showing up. Strategic issues like that make a difference to the networking experience, and he has lessons from building his university local alumni community to share.

Everything else is gravy, but look at this gravy: there are already many other interesting, friendly and accomplished people who have already confirmed their attendance. For $15 entry you also a tasting platter of Carribean food and rum punch from Lime House and $30 worth of Spotify credits.

What we learned at Peatix Singapore is that Singaporeans are really last-minute ticket buyers. People scramble right before the event asking us to save some space for them. But don't worry - we provide refunds if something really crops up, and you can always transfer your ticket.  (Get your Backstage Pass tickets here).

"Dogfooding" (i.e. using our own product, or in this case, also organising events) really teaches me what organisers experience. Any organiser would tell you it isn't easy, and is often a humbling experience. But they'll also tell you that the people who come and benefit keeps them going.

On that note, please also come to my talk about Product Management / Community on Friday, March 7th at the Paypal office (Millenia Tower, at lunchtime). Thank you Calvin Cheng (organiser of Hackers and Painters for inviting me).  I don't really like giving talks, but I realised it is an important way of sharing knowledge for the community to grow.

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"You're a kind person - how can you eat animals?" My friend was completely earnest with his question.

I was stumped. I check all the boxes to be a Vegetarian:

1. Yes I believe that industrial meat production is cruel (and I care about animals)
2. I believe that a vegetarian diet is better for my body (and I care about my body)
3. I believe that a vegetarian diet is better for the environment (and I give a damn about the environment)
4. I can cook vegetarian and I know where to buy vegetarian food I like
5. My mother is a vegetarian and a hippie (and well, I care about my mom)

So at the start of 2014, I declared to myself I was going to be a Vegetarian on Wednesdays. I realised that even though I eat vegetarian food regularly, I didn't quite understand what the experience of being identified as a Vegetarian.

It turns out that once you tell people that you're a Vegetarian, you lose all other characteristics - they see you as if you tattooed VEGETARIAN on your forehead.  The conversations around you, especially near or during meal times, suddenly revolve solely around vegetarianism.  The good is that people are curious, sensitive and increasingly aware. And the discussions increase the awareness further.

The bad is - don't we have anything else to talk about?  Why is it such a big deal?

How does it feel like to be a Vegetarian? I guess I don't have the full answer as I'm still really struggling - it is way more convenient (and socially accepted in Singapore) to eat "everything / anything". I still like eating meat. The best I'm doing so far is to consciously reduce the amount of meat I eat, veto going for meat buffets - or at least opt out.

I guess being a Vegetarian feels like being part of any other group that is not the default, the mainstream or the dominant. As a tall, young, "free thinker", Chinese, straight, omnivorous, white-collar male in Singapore, being a Vegetarian, even for a day, reminds me that life is often so easy for me.

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My years at Singapore Airlines taught me that it is easy to either be a “yes man” or say what you mean to say, but too aggressively.

Managers who lack confidence love colleagues who agree with them - very humanly so.  In big corporations too many choose what is less painful (seek consensus, disagree behind the back) than what is right for the firm (challenge outdated beliefs of senior experienced people, accept alternative views professionally, not take it personally).

At the same time, frustrated upstart employees find it easy to protest, self-righteously.  I’ve walked out of a 50-people meeting because it was clearly so unproductive, sending a message - too bluntly.

I’ve since wondered where the balance is - both when managing and being managed.  Essentially, how to say what you mean to say?

This is even more critical when I moved to web startups, where speed and trust can make or break a product.

Heavily inspired by John Maeda’s “Four Rules" and the book "The Five Dysfunctions of a Team”, I’ve decided it is best for me to be forthright, but respectfully.  Not making someone look bad or feel insulted is important if you want that person to understand and internalise what you just said instead of rejecting it.  And see why you said it.  

Being honest is actually a form of respect, but only when you make it so - being honest is also an art.

Image: x1brett (Flickr)

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I love the idea of New Year's resolutions - an annual reflection on how to become better versions of ourselves.  But we are all so ineffective at keeping them that they now have a bad name.

One reason is that New Year's resolutions often involve forming a habit (eat healthier, exercise more, learn a new language) or breaking one (drink less, quit shopping) - which is hard.  Some actually require multiple habits (wake up earlier than the person sleeping next to me in bed / to run before work).

Replacing habits works better.

I was bored waiting in line today, so instead of mindlessly browsing Facebook on my phone, I deleted the mobile app.  But it would have been tough if I tried to just break a habit that kept me entertained in boring situations.  So I consciously started reading a New Yorker article from 1935 and ended up learning about what it feels like to be an opium addict.  And I didn't have the urge to check my Facebook because of that.

Anyway, the cure for those hooked on opium is apparently hypnosis.  So if replacing habits doesn't work for you, you might want to try that.

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Thinking of changing the way you act?  Read How to say what you mean to say.